Coping With Your Baby’s Due Date After Miscarriage

“I thought I was doing OK until the date got closer.”

Have you found yourself feeling more emotional as your baby’s due date approaches, even though you thought you were beginning to feel OK after your miscarriage?

Perhaps you’ve been getting on with everyday life. Going to work, looking after your family, making plans and slowly finding a way to live with what has happened.

Then you notice the date getting closer.

Maybe you’ve started thinking about how far along you would have been. Perhaps you find yourself wondering what life might look like now, or imagining what you would be doing if your pregnancy had continued.

Or maybe you can’t quite put your finger on why things feel a little harder.

Whatever is coming up for you, I want you to know that feeling this way doesn't mean you've undone the progress you've made.

There are many reasons why your baby’s due date can continue to feel significant after miscarriage, even when some time has passed.

Why your baby's due date can hold so much meaning

When you experience a miscarriage, you may be grieving not only the loss of your pregnancy, but also the hopes, possibilities and future you had begun to imagine.

Perhaps you'd thought about names, pictured holding your baby or imagined what life might look like with another little person in your family.

You might have started making plans, even if you hadn't shared them with anyone else.

Your due date can become connected to all these things.

It's a date you may have been looking forward to. A date that represented something you were hoping for.

And as it approaches, those thoughts and feelings can become more present again.

You might find yourself thinking about how many weeks pregnant you would have been, whether you'd have everything ready for your baby's arrival, or how different life might look now.

Sometimes, it's these little reminders that bring your loss back into focus.

Why miscarriage grief can feel stronger around your due date

You might have felt incredibly sad immediately after your miscarriage, but gradually found that everyday life became a little easier.

Perhaps you started to feel more like yourself, found things to enjoy again and realised you weren't thinking about your loss quite as often.

And then your due date approaches, a pregnancy announcement appears on your phone, or you see someone with a newborn.

Suddenly, feelings you thought had settled can feel much closer.

This can be confusing. You might wonder why you're feeling this way again, or question whether you should still be grieving.

But feeling OK for a while doesn't mean your loss no longer matters.

And experiencing sadness again doesn't mean you haven't made progress.

Grief doesn't always follow a predictable path. Certain dates, memories or experiences can bring feelings to the surface when you weren't expecting them.

There isn't a right way to feel as your baby's due date approaches. Some women find it particularly difficult, while others don't notice a significant change in how they're feeling.

You might experience sadness, anger, longing or a mixture of emotions. You might also have moments when you feel completely OK.

Whatever this time brings up for you, it's OK to feel the way you do.

When it feels like everyone else has moved on

Something else that can make this time difficult is the feeling that everyone else has moved on.

Perhaps you've returned to work, you're getting on with family life and people around you don't realise that your due date is approaching.

Maybe you haven't spoken about your miscarriage for some time. You might feel that people expect you to be OK now.

It can be hard to explain why something that happened months ago is still affecting you, particularly when others may not realise the significance of the date.

You might also find that seeing other people's pregnancies or babies brings up unexpected feelings.

You can feel genuinely happy for someone else and still feel sad about your own experience.

You can be grateful for the things you have in your life and still grieve the baby you hoped to meet.

These feelings can exist alongside each other.

Sometimes, one of the hardest parts of miscarriage is feeling that you're carrying your grief alone, particularly when the people around you have returned to everyday life. I've written more about this in my blog, The Loneliness of Miscarriage, which explores why this experience can feel so isolating.

 

What might help you cope with your due date after miscarriage?

If your baby's due date is approaching, there are some gentle ways you might choose to support yourself.

Find a way to acknowledge the date, if you'd like to

Some women find comfort in marking their baby's due date in a meaningful way.

You might choose to light a candle, write a letter, spend time somewhere special or talk about your baby with someone you trust.

If you'd like other ideas, Miscarriage UK and Tommy's offer information and support for people experiencing pregnancy loss.

But you don't have to do anything particular to mark the day. You might prefer to keep things as ordinary as possible, and that's OK too.

Give yourself some flexibility

You may have an idea of how you'd like to spend the day, but your feelings might be different when it arrives.

Perhaps you'll want company, or maybe you'd prefer some time to yourself.

If possible, try not to place too many expectations on how the day should look.

Let someone know how you're feeling

If there's someone you feel comfortable talking to, you might find it helpful to let them know your due date is approaching.

You don't have to explain everything you're feeling. Even a simple conversation can help someone understand that you might appreciate a little extra kindness or support.

Be gentle with yourself

You might notice that you're feeling more emotional, distracted or tired than usual.

If you can, allow yourself a little more space and flexibility during this time.

You don't need to push difficult feelings away or make sense of everything straight away.

And remember, there is no right or wrong way to get through your baby's due date.

Finding support with grief after miscarriage

I think one of the most important things following miscarriage is having somewhere you can talk openly about what you've experienced.

Not somewhere you feel you need to be positive, look for the silver lining or reassure other people that you're doing OK.

Just somewhere you can be honest about how things feel.

As a BACP registered Maternal Mental Health Counsellor with specialist training in pregnancy and infant loss, I support women navigating the emotional impact of miscarriage and other experiences of pregnancy loss.

Through this work, I've seen how important it can be to have your experience listened to and understood, particularly when the people around you may not fully appreciate what you're going through.

You might want to talk about your miscarriage, the baby you imagined meeting, the feelings that have come up as your due date approaches, or something you haven't quite been able to put into words.

Counselling can offer a gentle, compassionate space to explore these feelings and begin to make sense of your experience, at your own pace and without judgement.

You don't have to be 'struggling' every day to deserve support.

A final thought

If your baby's due date is approaching and you're finding it harder than you expected, I hope you can offer yourself a little kindness.

You might have thought you were doing OK until the date got closer. You might be surprised by the feelings it brings up, or perhaps you've been thinking about it for weeks.

Whatever it looks like for you, you don't need to question whether you should still feel this way.

You can be moving forward with your life and still feel connected to the pregnancy you lost.

You can have good days and difficult days.

And you don't have to reach a particular point in your grief by a particular date.

Your experience matters. And there's room for all of it.

Nicky Kantura is a BACP registered Maternal Mental Health Counsellor based in St Albans, Hertfordshire, offering counselling in person andline. She specialises in supporting women through pregnancy, birth and motherhood, including birth trauma, miscarriage and matrescence.